when someone is shouting and insulting
If someone is shouting it means they have turned up the volume. I remind myself of a television or of music playing that just got louder. That's all it is. I feel calm.
If someone is using insults or name-calling.1 These are static noise, interference. Ignore it and concentrate on listening for words that are actually explaining something, words that are making some kind of point.The rest is irrelevant.
Imagine trying to hear something on TV and someone else is being noisy, so you listen harder to the TV, concentrating to make out the words, and ignore the noisy person. It's like that.
For example, "You're such an idiot, you stupid fool!" There is no valid information here. This is noise. Ignore it.
I do this in my head: "You're such an idiot, you stupid fool!"
- They continue, "How the hell did you manage to break my favorite coffee mug?!" Ok, so now they are explaining that they're upset because their favorite coffee mug is broken. That's information. Keep this information for later.
They continue, "I seriously hate living with you, you're so clumsy, you fucking break everything." This is a mixture of static and a little bit of information. Hate living with you + You're clumsy. This is information. Do I break everything? Doubtful. Ignore this bit of static interference.
"you fucking break everything"
- Next, is the information they provided accurate, false or exaggerated? (Hate living with you + You're clumsy)
Make a mental note of information that might be accurate or false or exaggerated. People often distort information by mistake when they are emotional. Anger is an emotion.
- When they have calmed down, I ask whether or not the information was true and if they'd like to talk about it, or whether it was just something said in the heat of the moment.
If they say they didn't really mean it, I discard it. This was static noise like the rest.
When people are angry, most of what they say is static noise. Sometimes all of it is. I protect my peace and ignore the noise as I would ignore other background noise that is irrelevant, e.g. airplanes passing overhead, sounds of traffic, construction work.
When the other person is simply screaming insults and name-calling and they have stopped explaining anything or making any kind of point then the argument is effectively over.
I might wait this out, or I might say gently, "You're not actually giving me anymore information. Do you have another point you'd like to make, or would you like to end this argument now? You can walk away whenever you want." They usually walk away in a huff. That's good. It's over.
If someone thinks, "But shouting at me and calling me names is disrespectful!" When we have self-respect, we stop needing other people to "show" us respect.
People usually do not teach children how to be angry, only not to be angry. What this means in later life: when adults get angry, they behave exactly like they did when they were angry children. They are big now, but they are basically having a tantrum.
This doesn't mean that anyone is immature. It means they did not learn how to communicate anger like an adult. But anyone can learn how to listen to anger like an adult.
Footnote:
If a man uses name-calling aimed at women, e.g. b--ch or c-nt, these words are literally intended to trigger a huge emotional reaction in the woman so that the man can tell her to "calm down". She is now on the defence. Mission accomplished. Women need to desensitize themselves to these words. Practise writing them down, whisper them into a cushion, and eventually say them out loud. Nothing bad happens. They are just sound-weapons. Free, effortless, legal sound-weapons. When you have power over them, they no longer have power over you.↩