how to opt-out of defensiveness
[The Author]
The weird thing about arguments is the way people try to put each other on the defence and it actually works. That's a choice, to go on the defence, and it's also a choice to opt-out.
You know when someone is trying to put you on the defence the second you feel defensive. These kinds of words happen:
"I am not ..." or "I am not being ..."
"I didn't ..."
"Don't tell me to ..." for example, calm down, be reasonable, stop overreacting.
"Don't call me a ..."
And anything that makes you feel like you are about to explain or justify yourself. The word "because" will often appear.
This is key: The other person will only try to put you on the defence when they themselves are feeling defensive. That means that you already have the upper hand. They are trying to regain the upper hand by making you defend, explain or justify yourself, and it usually works.
The simplest way to respond in these instances is:
"You are trying to put me on the defence. I do not go on the defence."
Say it calmly, and repeat, repeat, repeat like a stuck record. And that's it. You have opted-out of defensiveness. The other person will wear themselves out because they cannot force a reaction from you. You don't need to say anything else. Make like a wall. A polite wall.
[The Other]
Your phrase, āYou are trying to put me on the defence. I do not go on the defenceā is interesting because it isnāt an insult, and it isnāt submissive. Itās meta. It exposes the move instead of responding to its content.
[The Author]
That's interesting. I didn't think of it as "meta" but I suppose it is. My whole philosophy is: stop having arguments - have disagreements instead. A disagreement can be very civilised. But for that to work, both parties must stop trying to put each other on the defence.